FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE… Contact: He Who Shall Not Be Named
email: firstname.lastname@example.org The Rapture has succeeded
This isn’t the greatest news for you, considering you are reading this press release…
Earth – [May 21st, 2011] – Jesus and I thank you for your dedication to worshiping, and living as we have dictated. As you can imagine, we had to consider a large number of applications from many qualified applicants. We are sorry to inform you that you have not been selected for ascension at this time, and have been left behind during the End of Days.
The Ascension Selection Committee thanks you for the time you invested to repent for the sins you committed. We encourage you to continue on a path of righteousness and kindness.
However, since you were not saved by Jesus in the May 21 Rapture you are sentenced to 5 months of torment under the rule of Jesus during the End of Days.
The End Times will begin soon, with a Justin Bieber & Rebecca Black duet. The song, “Doomsday,” will cause anarchy, chaos, disasters, and the end of civilization as we know it. Everyone left on earth will be well aware that they fucked up, but being saved is no longer an option.
Best wishes for a successful purgatory. Thank you, once again, for your interest in eternal life. Too bad it will be in the house of Satan.