SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2009
An Open Letter to Kyle Wellwood
http://www.downgoesbrown.com/2009/04/ky ... s-fat.html
Vancouver Canucks center Kyle Wellwood was recently quoted making several disparaging comments about the Maple Leafs organization and the city of Toronto.
Wellwood makes several valid points, and is certainly entitled to his opinions. However, in the spirit of respectful dialog, Down Goes Brown would like to offer the response below.
Dear fat ass,
Put the donut down for a second. We need to talk.
Based on your recent comments, you seem to feel like you were somehow mistreated by the Leafs and their fans. And further, you seem to feel as if the success the Canucks have had this year vindicates your views.
I don't think you've got the story right. So let's take a look back at your career and see if we can't get on the same page.
You played your first full season with the Maple Leafs in 2005-06, after scouts discovered you during an intermission timbits game. In your second season, you managed an impressive 42 points in just 48 games. That's when things went bad.
After the 2007 season the Leafs gave you an off-season conditioning plan, which you claimed to follow. When you showed up at camp, your father told reporters that you'd actually taken the summer off.
Some people accused your dad of throwing you under the bus, but that wasn't fair. After all, the average bus has a wheel clearance of only 36 inches, making you too fat to fit under one.
During a disastrous 2007-08 season, you were often a healthy scratch, or at least as "healthy" as a scratch can be with vanilla frosting coursing through their arteries. You struggled to get back into the lineup, much like you struggle to get out of a deep couch.
You vowed to work harder during the 2008 season, but that promise turned out to be emptier than a carton of Haagen Dazs fifteen seconds after you've opened it. When these infamous photos surfaced, your career as a Leaf was finished.
Your comments indicate that you don't think you got a fair shake in Toronto, and you may be right. But in fairness to the Leafs, whenever they did give you a fair shake your jowls would jiggle for three straight days.
At one point it was rumored that you'd asked for a trade, the first known instance of you demanding something other than another helping of fried cheese. The Leafs did their best, but were unable to move you. Not a trade -- they physically could not get your fat carcass out of the dressing room.
So they waived you. You were claimed by the Canucks, but then they waived you too. You were being waived more often than your own pudgy hand as you try to flag down the guy pushing the desert cart. What's worse, when the Canucks waived you you went unclaimed. You were completely unwanted, like the side salad that comes with your ribeye.
To your credit you did manage to make it back into the Canucks lineup, largely because structural engineers warned that the GM Place pressbox couldn't support you. The Leafs felt that you would never reach your potential as an offensive center, and you've certainly proven them wrong. It takes a truly special playmaker to play an entire season and record single-digit assists.
Sure, your offensive output this season wouldn't even have cracked the top ten on a Leafs team that only has about three actual NHL players. But on a points-per-game basis you did wind up slightly ahead of defensive defenceman Jeff Finger. Take that, Leafs front office.
Recently you've re-invented yourself as a somewhat dependable defensive forward. Your play in the defensive zone has been admirable, in part because of your renewed focus on positioning but mostly due to you being so fat that the other team gets tired from skating around you.
You've said it was difficult playing in Toronto, whereas people in Vancouver are more appreciative of your presence. It's certainly true that you're popular with local surfers, since your gravitational pull causes the Pacific Ocean waves to come in higher. But Vancouver will turn on you too, Kyle. Just wait until the entire population of potheads look up from their bong hits long enough to realize you've eaten every bag of ketchup chips in the city.
It didn't have to be this way. All that Toronto fans ever wanted you to do was show a little bit of pride when you pulled that size XXL jersey over your head and looked down at the Maple Leafs logo trapped between your jiggling man boobs. But apparently that was too much to ask. So now you can look forward to wearing a different uniform every year for the rest of your career. And that's just if you stay in Vancouver.
So enjoy your time in the spotlight. When the Canucks make their inevitable second round exit, followed by every decent player on the team departing as a free agent during the off-season, the front office will ask you to step up and fill the void. And lord knows, if there's one thing you can do well it's fill up space.
Maybe it will all work out. Maybe some day you'll understand that being a professional athlete is a 12-month job, and that fans deserve to watch players who are committed to being in peak physical condition. Maybe then your talent will actually shine through. But it's clear that it was never going to happen in Toronto. And that's why Leaf fans don't miss you, and never will.
Besides, when your time in the NHL is over you can still try a different career, like acting. I hear they're looking for somebody to play the Pillsbury Doughboy.
(Don't worry, they can use special effects to make you look tall enough.)
Your friends,
Leafs Nation