Let's Go Blues

Occasionally I get free movie tickets. Friends, co-workers, or family lands a few and I get to go see a movie on someone else's dime. Free is great, but the people who attend free movies are not. On this particular occasion, I got a ticket to go see Sunshine, which I was very excited about primarily because the trailer used the Requiem for a Dream song, which makes any movie look like a tear-jerking, epic masterpiece. I was also excited because it was directed by Danny Boyle, whose other works include Slumdog Millionaire, Shrieking Monkey Plague, and Shrieking Monkey Plague 2 - Lets Throw Up Blood On One Another.

So my friend sat down next to me at the theater and the movie was about to begin. "What's that smell?" she asked, "It smells like pee."

Unflinching, her boyfriend responded: "It's clam chowder."

Sure enough, sitting one row back and three seats to our left was a woman holding a large to-go order of clam chowder which she'd snuck into the theater. Surprisingly, clam chowder smells very similar to urine when you don't know where the source is - it's like the asparagus of soups.

The woman herself looked likae a water buffalo in a sweatshirt. She had broad shoulders and a stern, oppressive brow. Her twinkling eyes were fixed straight ahead in the dim theater light, but her powerful jaw moved rapidly to break down the large spoonfuls of chowder which she rhythmically pounded into her mouth. This woman did not simply eat clam chowder, she grazed on it.

Twenty minutes into the film I heard her. She was talking to the screen - narrating her thoughts and feelings, as well as answering rhetorical questions asked by the characters. "What will we do? There's no time!" asked the main character. "I dun' know! You be so screwed!" she belched in anguish, as if the actors in the movie could actually hear her clam-scented reply. Fifteen minutes from the end of the movie - the climax - and the water buffalo was still talking. I'd endured her for nearly two hours, and what was a mild irritation had transformed into a boiling, volcanic rage. I don't know how my popcorn tasted, and I can't remember who was sitting near me. As far as what was happening on the screen, it's a complete blank. My surroundings had become completely blind to me. All I remember is pure, unfiltered hatred. I was Ghenghis Khan. I was genocide. Stars collapsed under the weight of my fury, and when I opened my eyes all I saw was the heads of ten thousand water buffalo on bloody pikes peppering the horizon from Los Angeles to New York City.

So, without further ado, I turned around and spoke.
Shut up! Shut the (Frank) up! You've talked the entire (Franking) movie, now shut the (Frank) up!

Her response?

Nuh uh...you shut up.

Again, my memory beyond this point is a bit hazy. I remember screaming more obscenities at her, and I remember a couple sitting behind me telling me that I was now more disruptive than the water buffalo had ever been, and I remember walking down the aisle after the movie had ended and hearing another moviegoer say "Where's the guy that went psycho?" I also remember the water buffalo quietly shuffling out of the theater afterwards. I think clam chowder and darkness were the sources of her strength, without them she was a meek, fearful creature.

Did I "go psycho?" I think that's a rather uncreative way of putting it - I like to think of myself as a warrior. Sure, I embarrassed myself and made the situation a lot worse for everyone than it had to be, but in doing so the buffalo was slain. So (Frank) you, chowderbeast, I'm a champ and you eat seafood from a giant bucket.

nice

In situations like that it's always better to go off on the source of your anger than bottle it up and be pissed all night wishing you'd said something to that person.

Now I won't be able to ever enjoy a bowl of clam chowder again. Thanks a bundle, Curt.

Was the offender A. Nigro?

Absolutely not an overreaction.

Nowadays I won't even go to the movies because I've been in so many situations like this, unless it's during a weekday and early afternoon (before 4).

DVDs come out so fast now. I watched Watchmen in theaters in March and had the DVD by mid-July. Barely 4 months.

So I basically take the 'release' date and add a few months to it unless it's a movie that I MUST go see a la Dark Knight and Watchmen. I will probably go see Iron Man 2 when it comes out, but it will be during the day somewhere. Oddly enough I've found that the college towns I've lived in don't have that problem in the movie theaters. Most of the kids are already short on money, so most of them would do exactly what you did if someone was ruining their experience.

Thank you for reminding me of one of the reasons I do not miss America... not looking forward to shit like this when I come home in a few weeks.

That is why I have to sit in the back of a theater like a little kid, cause I truly hate having anyone around me I dont know. Its like going to a Blues game where you get the people that have to make a freaking comment on every little play.

philco_3 wrote:That is why I have to sit in the back of a theater like a little kid, cause I truly hate having anyone around me I dont know. Its like going to a Blues game where you get the people that have to make a freaking comment on every little play.

What's bad are the people who feel the need to comment on every play when they have no idea what they are talking about.

I actually got into a fight in the stands at my brother's ice hockey game because I told a woman who was making loud, stupid comments, yelling at the refs and calling for penalties for things that weren't penalties, etc... to shut up. Her boyfriend didn't like that too much.

He came over to me, yelling and pionting...and I thought, "oh, this is bad." So I handed the video camera to my parents, grabbed onto his penguins coat and a donnybrook broke out...well, almost. A bunch of fans broke it up before any punches were thrown.

Guy was a tool.

cprice12 wrote:

philco_3 wrote:That is why I have to sit in the back of a theater like a little kid, cause I truly hate having anyone around me I dont know. Its like going to a Blues game where you get the people that have to make a freaking comment on every little play.

What's bad are the people who feel the need to comment on every play when they have no idea what they are talking about.

I actually got into a fight in the stands at my brother's ice hockey game because I told a woman who was making loud, stupid comments, yelling at the refs and calling for penalties for things that weren't penalties, etc... to shut up. Her boyfriend didn't like that too much.

He came over to me, yelling and pionting...and I thought, "oh, this is bad." So I handed the video camera to my parents, grabbed onto his penguins coat and a donnybrook broke out...well, almost. A bunch of fans broke it up before any punches were thrown.

Guy was a tool.

Sounds like you have a lot of built up aggression towards women talking when you dont' want them to... Make my dinner bit**!

Decorum is an unknown word to many people these days. The reeking mass of humanity that is becoming so egocentric and self-absorbed that they view themselves as the center of the universe continues to grow. In my office I have "No Food or Drink" signs on the door and in the waiting room. Despite this, people continue to waltz right in with their 16 liter Big Gulp sodas which inevitably are spilled leaving me to deal with a stain that is unremovable. But hey, they were thirsty and what right do I have to stop them from quenching that thirst.

Go to the movies? Not a chance.